Boarding today? Suspiciously smooth. No queue, no chaos, no pushing – just me gliding through like I’d been personally invited by the captain. Red carpet? No. But spiritually, yes.
I’m sat here a full 30 minutes before take-off, smug as anything, and people are just casually trickling on like it’s a Pilates class they’re not that fussed about.
But my row of four was completely empty. I kept refreshing the seat map in my head like… surely not? Am I on the wrong flight? Am I off to Gibraltar?
Quietly manifesting a row to myself so I can sleep like a stretched-out angel. Maybe they’ll upgrade me? I wore my best sneakers and I’m not even in sweatpants – these Gymshark flares are basically corporate couture, right? Bare minimum, I deserve the legroom.
Update: Someone just sat in my row.
Dreams = gone. Hope = cancelled. Internal screaming = activated.
❄️ The Aircon Betrayal Begins
We’re now sat on the runway. I got warm, took my jumper off, shoved it in the overhead like a smug little organised rat — and obviously, the aircon switched on immediately after. Now I’m freezing. But I can’t stand up to get it because the crew are strapped in.
And I’m a goody-goody. I’m not about to be that person. I will simply sit here. Cold. Silently suffering. Punished by my own organisation.
✈️ Heathrow Runway Ballet: A Stressful Spectacle
Also: Heathrow runway traffic looks like the most stressful job on earth.
Planes everywhere. Lining up. Turning at the exact same time. It’s giving high-stakes air ballet. No thank you.
🎬 Movie Line-Up: Good but No Harry Potter = Immediate No
Movie-wise, British Airways is pulling through.
Wicked – yes please.
Practical Magic – Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman being glamorous witches and burying men in the garden? A masterpiece.
Twisters is also on here, with that hot Glen guy who was in Hidden Figures (which I just watched this week – 10/10, obviously).
They’ve even got Elvis, Endgame, and Fly Me To The Moon with Channing Tatum and Scarlett Johansson – which I watched this week too and absolutely loved.
The only red flag?
No Harry Potter.
None. Not even one. BA, you were doing so well.
Guess it’s Lilo & Stitch for me. Because I’m an emotionally layered adult who loves a Disney classic.
🍫 Hunger Games: Malteser Bunny Edition
I’m STARVING.
I put my last pack of Malteser bunnies in my hold luggage to stop myself from inhaling them all mid-air. Past Georgia made that decision with the wisdom of a woman who knew Present Georgia would be weak.
And she was right.
But for now? Hurt. Hungry. Betrayed.
My mum always says I have the breaking strain of a KitKat – and to be fair, she’s not wrong.
Really hoping there’s a cheesy pasta option for dinner. That or beige food. I’ll take anything comforting at this point.
🧦 Long-Haul Flight Expert: How to Avoid Kankles
Small win: I’m a genius when it comes to long-haul flights.
Shoes off, flight socks on, fluffy socks over those. Hair from slick-back bun into a plait. Space cleared for mid-air stretches. Not getting kankles today, thanks.
They just brought out pretzels. I had two packs.
Got excited thinking it was dinner. It wasn’t.
But that’s fine. I had: – Breakfast at home
– 472 Malteser bunnies on the bus
– A sharing plate of nachos at the airport (sharing platter if you’re a mouse)
So, realistically, I’ll survive. Tomorrow the health begins.
🍿 Movie Meltdown: Lilo, Dragons, and Disappointment
Wasn’t vibing with Lilo & Stitch, and Twisters didn’t hit either. Ended up putting on House of the Dragon: Season 2.
Season 1 was alright, but I’ll die on the hill that Game of Thrones is the best thing to ever be on TV. Ever.
Opening theme music came on – goosebumps.
Then someone starts narrating and I thought it was Jon Snow. It wasn’t.
Some man. Giving fake Wall energy.
The dialogue feels like GCSE Shakespeare. Everyone’s very intense. It’s fine – but I don’t want “fine.” I want chaos. Betrayal. And someone getting BBQ’d by a dragon mid-sentence.
😴 Peak Nap Performance Achieved
Anyway. I’m an elite napper on planes. Not to brag, but I’m probably the best.
I can sleep anywhere. I think it’s the fluffy socks and my aggressively oversized sleep mask (which I call “my eyes”).
As in: “Where are my eyes?” “I need my eyes.” “Have you seen my eyes?”
Woke up with 3.5 hours to go. Got up. Did a stretch. Went straight back to sleep.
Woke up again with one hour left. Genuinely proud of myself. Peak performance.
💪 Protein Pyramid Scheme or Soulmate?
Then the woman next to me turns to me and says:
“Excuse me, I saw your jumper… do you lift?”
Why yes, I do.
We had a great chat about working out and protein. She works for a protein shake company. At the time, I wasn’t sure if it was a pyramid scheme or a networking opportunity – she gave me two free samples and said she’d love to keep in touch.
Googled it after the flight.
Definitely a pyramid scheme.
But honestly? She was so lovely. Said if I’m ever in the States, I should visit her in Laguna Beach.
So I may have been recruited… or I’ve just made a friend who sells supplements in California. Time will tell.
🌪️ Turbulence Drama: Shortcuts and Silent Prayers
“20 minutes to land.”
[Plane drops like a rollercoaster]
“15 minutes to land, we’ve just taken a shortcut.”
Oh. Good.
Then they hit us with the “please familiarise yourself with the safety card in your seat pocket” line.
Oh. Great. Love that for us.
We started to land… then climbed again. The turbulence was horrible.
Must be windy. Mr Captain Sir, pls advise.
Just landed.
Crisis over. Still alive.
But also – what is this rain?? No thank you. Nobody ordered that
Hoping security isn’t too bad. I’ve got four hours until my next flight and my 528Hz “I am calm, I am not dying” playlist on.
It’s all fine. We’re fine. I’m just slightly traumatised and thinking about pretzels.
🍇 Fruit Bowl Expectations vs Reality
Made it to Joburg – one more flight to go, but I’ve got a four-hour layover first. Security was easy this time, straight through. I’m back at Mug & Bean, obviously, and went for the fruit and yoghurt bowl.
I was hoping for pineapple, strawberries, blueberries, maybe a bit of mango if we were lucky.
What I got: apple, melon, red grapes, and banana.
Not awful. Just… not the fruit bowl of my dreams.
🧵 Ripped Turtle, Ripped Dreams
Also, just noticed there’s a hole in the armpit of the new top my parents got me – it’s from the Cayman Islands and has a little turtle on it. So cute. Very offended on the turtle’s behalf.
✨ Final Thought: Rested, Fed, Mildly Betrayed, but Moving On
Feeling rested, fed, and mildly betrayed by the fruit. Onward.
Flight survived ✅
Sanity intact (mostly) ✅
Coconut oil chaos? That’s up next in ✈️ Backpacks, bookshops & airport regret — read it here.
Love a funny travel story? I’ve got heaps – check out the rest of the blog!
